Push-Ups and Practice: Why Difficult Conversations Require Reps, Too

Aug 31

3 min read

My mother has always hated the gym. She’s a walker, disciplined, determined, and incredibly strong. Even at the age of 80, she still regularly walks 8 to 12 kilometres, three times a week. But 3 years ago, if you asked her to do a push-up, she would say “Absolutely not”. She didn’t see the point. She had her rhythm, and it worked for her -until it didn’t.

Over time, her muscle strength began to deteriorate, as it naturally does. Walking alone wasn’t enough. She needed resistance training, but she didn’t want to do it alone, in fact she didn’t want to do it all, if the truth was told. She needed guidance. She wanted someone beside her, showing her the ropes, cheering her on, making sure she wasn’t doing it wrong. That person was me.

For the next two years, we went to the gym together once a week. I coached her through exercises, offered encouragement and pushed her past her comfort zone. I witnessed her getting stronger, losing weight and looking more toned and lots of people complimented her on the change. At 81, she could do three sets of ten push-ups on her toes. Thirty push-ups. On Her Toes. That’s incredible. But it didn’t happen by magic. It took commitment, support, and a lot of repetition.

This story isn’t about fitness. It’s about communication and why we must train for difficult conversations like we train any muscle.

Difficult Conversations Are a Skill, Not a Trait

Many leaders want to be better at giving feedback, navigating conflict, or holding someone accountable. They read the articles, attend the trainings, maybe even memorize a few frameworks. But when the moment comes, they freeze or fumble. Why? Because they haven’t done their push-ups.

Understanding what to say is different from saying it out loud. Just like my mum needed to physically get under the weight to build her strength, leaders need to practice the weight of real words in real time. Repetition builds confidence. Rehearsal builds fluency. Practice builds courage.

https://youtu.be/390KWSvZ5oM

Why It Matters: The Cost of Avoidance

Avoiding the work of practicing doesn’t just keep conversations awkward, it creates long-term damage:

Conversations stay unresolved, reactive, or surface-level
Fear grows, making the next conversation even harder
Relationships weaken as trust erodes
Self-confidence shrinks
And teams often unknowingly pay the price

Leaders often say, “I don’t like role plays,” and I get it. Practicing conversations out loud can feel uncomfortable, even cringey. But that discomfort is the stretch that builds strength. Without it, we don’t improve, we just repeat old patterns.

Practice Makes Confident

Here’s what the data tells us:

69% of managers feel uncomfortable communicating with employees—especially when giving feedback or navigating conflict. (HBR, 2017)
Employees who receive regular, practiced feedback are 3.5x more likely to be engaged. (Gallup, 2019)
Leadership development programs that include role play and real-time feedback see a 32% boost in confidence. (Center for Creative Leadership, 2018)
Organizations that invest in practice-based communication training report a 25% improvement in team productivity. (Gartner, 2021)

Repetition matters. Practice reduces anxiety. Familiarity builds fluency. When the stakes are high, and emotions are activated, practiced words and grounded techniques are what keep you steady.

How to Build the Muscle

Think of every difficult conversation as a rep: a chance to build three essential skills:

Listening with intention
Speaking with clarity and compassion
Questioning with curiosity to uncover what’s underneath

And just like learning to do a push-up, the first time might feel impossible. But with support, technique, and repetition, your communication strength grows. Here’s how to begin:

Be open to learning: Acknowledge that this is a skill, not a personality trait. Build capabilities in listening, speaking, emotional regulation, and recovery.
Put in the time to rehearse: Say it out loud. Practice with a peer. Role-play with a coach. Use a mirror. Record yourself. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just that you do.
Adapt and seek feedback: Real conversations rarely follow a script and that’s okay. Stay open. Learn what worked, what landed, what didn’t. Adjust your tone, language, or timing based on real responses.

The Real Benefits of Practicing Conversations

When leaders commit to building this muscle, everything starts to shift:

Conversations become clearer, more confident, and less emotionally charged
Problems are solved at the root, not just the surface
Trust grows; people feel seen, heard, and respected
Culture shifts from avoidance to accountability
And leaders step into their full presence with empathy, courage, and skill

As Eleanor Roosevelt said:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Having difficult conversations might feel like doing push-ups when you’ve never done one before. But with practice, support, and repetition, strength comes. Confidence comes. And one day, you’ll surprise yourself just like my mother did with what you’re truly capable of.

This story isn’t about fitness. It’s about communication and why we must train for difficult conversations like we train any muscle.

Difficult Conversations Are a Skill, Not a Trait

Many leaders want to be better at giving feedback, navigating conflict, or holding someone accountable. They read the articles, attend the trainings, maybe even memorize a few frameworks. But when the moment comes, they freeze or fumble. Why? Because they haven’t done their push-ups.

Understanding what to say is different from saying it out loud. Just like my mum needed to physically get under the weight to build her strength, leaders need to practice the weight of real words in real time. Repetition builds confidence. Rehearsal builds fluency. Practice builds courage.

Why It Matters: The Cost of Avoidance

Avoiding the work of practicing doesn’t just keep conversations awkward, it creates long-term damage:

Conversations stay unresolved, reactive, or surface-level

Fear grows, making the next conversation even harder

Relationships weaken as trust erodes

Self-confidence shrinks

And teams often unknowingly pay the price

Leaders often say, “I don’t like role plays,” and I get it. Practicing conversations out loud can feel uncomfortable, even cringey. But that discomfort is the stretch that builds strength. Without it, we don’t improve, we just repeat old patterns.

Practice Makes Confident

Here’s what the data tells us:

69% of managers feel uncomfortable communicating with employees—especially when giving feedback or navigating conflict. (HBR, 2017)

Employees who receive regular, practiced feedback are 3.5x more likely to be engaged. (Gallup, 2019)

Leadership development programs that include role play and real-time feedback see a 32% boost in confidence. (Center for Creative Leadership, 2018)

Organizations that invest in practice-based communication training report a 25% improvement in team productivity. (Gartner, 2021)

Repetition matters. Practice reduces anxiety. Familiarity builds fluency. When the stakes are high, and emotions are activated, practiced words and grounded techniques are what keep you steady.

How to Build the Muscle

Think of every difficult conversation as a rep: a chance to build three essential skills:

Listening with intention

Speaking with clarity and compassion

Questioning with curiosity to uncover what’s underneath

And just like learning to do a push-up, the first time might feel impossible. But with support, technique, and repetition, your communication strength grows. Here’s how to begin:

Be open to learning: Acknowledge that this is a skill, not a personality trait. Build capabilities in listening, speaking, emotional regulation, and recovery.

Put in the time to rehearse: Say it out loud. Practice with a peer. Role-play with a coach. Use a mirror. Record yourself. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just that you do.

Adapt and seek feedback: Real conversations rarely follow a script and that’s okay. Stay open. Learn what worked, what landed, what didn’t. Adjust your tone, language, or timing based on real responses.

The Real Benefits of Practicing Conversations

When leaders commit to building this muscle, everything starts to shift:

Conversations become clearer, more confident, and less emotionally charged

Problems are solved at the root, not just the surface

Trust grows; people feel seen, heard, and respected

Culture shifts from avoidance to accountability

And leaders step into their full presence with empathy, courage, and skill

As Eleanor Roosevelt said:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Having difficult conversations might feel like doing push-ups when you’ve never done one before. But with practice, support, and repetition, strength comes. Confidence comes. And one day, you’ll surprise yourself just like my mother did with what you’re truly capable of.

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