The Termites of Trust: How Assumptions Erode Relationships

We all do it.

We’re wired to process information, make sense of data, and interpret emotions in milliseconds. And most of the time, that’s helpful. It’s how we stay safe, move fast, and make decisions without getting stuck in analysis paralysis.

But here’s the catch: we don’t process information neutrally. We filter what we see and hear through our own biases, beliefs, past experiences, stress levels, and perceptions. In other words, we don’t just observe reality - we interpret it.

So let me ask you, have you ever…

1. Reacted strongly to someone’s behaviour, only to later realise you misunderstood their intention?

2. Felt frustrated by a team member’s performance, then discovered they didn’t have the same information you did?

3. Labelled someone as disengaged, difficult, or resistant — and later learned they were overwhelmed or unclear?

4. Made a quick decision under pressure that you later had to undo.

5. Avoided clarifying something because you felt certain you already knew the answer?

   
   

If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. Assumptions are human. They’re also expensive. Here’s what’s really happening.

The Half-Built Puzzle

You’ve got six pieces of a 500-piece puzzle.

You decide you know the whole picture.

Assumptions are premature certainty.

Clarifying is gathering more pieces.

In leadership and in life we often make decisions with only a handful of puzzle pieces. A tone in someone’s voice. A missed deadline. A single data point. A rushed email. And our brain fills in the rest.

The problem? We act as if we’ve seen the whole image.

And that’s where things start to unravel.

Angela Ahrendts (former CEO of Burberry) said it perfectly: “Ask questions; don’t make assumptions.” That sounds simple but in the real world, when deadlines are tight and emotions are high, “simple” doesn’t always mean “easy.”

The Kodak story

One of the most famous business cautionary tales is Kodak not because they missed the digital revolution, but because they saw it first.

Kodak actually invented the first digital camera in 1975. An internal engineer built it. Leadership saw it.

And then came the assumptions:

• Digital photography would never replace film.

• Consumers would always want printed photos.

• Protecting the existing film business was safer than disrupting it.

• Film was highly profitable.

• Digital looked clunky and low quality.

  
  

So they parked the innovation.

But here’s what was really happening:

• Digital technology improved rapidly.

• Competitors embraced it.

• Consumer behaviour shifted faster than Kodak predicted.

• By the time Kodak leaned in properly, the market had already moved.

  
  

In 2012, Kodak filed for bankruptcy.

The result wasn’t just a financial collapse. It was the breakdown of a 100-year competitive advantage; massive job losses, erosion of confidence in leadership, and a culture of caution rather than curiosity.

And this isn’t only a “big corporate” story. It’s a human story too.

My own assumption (and regret) in 1998

Funnily enough, I fell into this exact scenario back in 1998. My wedding was filmed and when the videographer was cutting the footage together, they asked me if I’d like a digital copy of the video as well as the VHS (which was the known technology of the time)  

And I said no.

I didn’t have a machine to play a digital DVD. I didn’t fully understand that technology was the future. I assumed I wouldn’t need it.

In hindsight, I wish I’d said yes.

Because assumptions don’t only affect market share they affect memories, relationships, opportunities, and decisions we can’t easily undo.

What assumptions cost us at work

In the workplace, assumptions sneak in quietly:

• “They know what I meant.”

• “They’ll ask if they don’t understand.”

• “They’re not trying hard enough.”

• “The data speaks for itself.”

• “This is the only logical choice.”

But when we assume we know best, when we trust the data without validating it, when we don’t ask questions or learn someone else’s perspective, we’re literally making decisions based on assumptions, not facts.

And the cost can be massive. Leadership and communication research suggests that:

• 78% of project failures can be attributed to miscommunication and incorrect assumptions

• Teams that implement assumption-testing protocols show 34% higher productivity

• Organisations lose an average of $62.4 million annually due to inadequate communication to and between employees (HBR 2023)

• 65% of workplace conflicts stem from misunderstandings based on unchecked assumptions

Whether you’re leading a global business or a small team, the pattern is the same: assumptions create gaps and gaps create risk.

So why don’t we fact-check or ask more questions?

Because being human is messy. Here are some of the most common reasons I’ve observed:

• We think we know best. Confidence feels efficient - until it’s wrong.

• We can’t foresee the future. So we fill in blanks with what feels familiar.

• We don’t really know what the other person needs or wants. And we’re often afraid to ask.

• We misinterpret data through our own lens instead of stepping into someone else’s shoes.

• We’re rushed. Urgency pressures us to “decide now” rather than “understand first.”

And the most dangerous assumption of all?“If something was unclear, they would have told me.”

Not always. Sometimes people don’t speak up because they’re confused, intimidated, overwhelmed, or trying to avoid conflict. Which is why brave communication matters.

As Henry Winkler put it: “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” 

Quiet. Hidden. Destructive over time.

So how do we get better?

This is where leadership at every level matters. Leaders set the emotional tone. If leaders model curiosity and fact-finding, teams learn that questions are safe. If leaders punish questions, assumptions multiply.

Here are three practical steps you can start using immediately:

1. Practice fact-based observations.

   Before interpreting, describe what you actually saw or heard.“I noticed the deadline was missed” lands very differently from “You don’t care.”

2. Be mindful of your own biases and perceptions.

   Ask yourself: What story am I telling myself right now? Then ask: What else could be true?

3. Be curious and seek information from multiple sources.

   Replace certainty with questions:

   • “Help me understand…”

   • “What am I missing?”

   • “What’s your perspective?”

   • “What would success look like for you?”

This isn’t about being slower. It’s about being smarter and kinder in how we decide.

Because assumptions don’t just impact outcomes. They impact people.

And if you want stronger workplace culture, better decisions, and healthier relationships the pathway is almost always the same: pause, ask, clarify, and connect.

It’s never too late.